Logan Mankins. Last week I tried to stretch out his name to match his holdout. Best I could do was: Loooooo-Gan Mannnnnn-kins. Not quite enough. Then I got to thinking what was longer than Mankins holdout. Ready here we go:
7) The Media Waiting Line to Offer Praise to Tom Brady. Two-Time Super Bowl MVP, possessor of single season passing records, the man who wooed and wed Gisele. Tom Brady is truly Tom Terrific, and most if not all of the national media has recognized that. If not for perpetual press poster boy for slobberknocking suck upness, Brett Favre, Brady would easily, hands down be the most hated quarterback out there. Sorry Peyton, your limp noodle personality and grating mannerisms cannot compare to the jealousy inspired loathing that surrounds Brady, due almost entirely to his fawning cadre of sycophants in the press. And that lineup has is a piker compared to Mankins' holdout.
6) Brandon Meriweather’s dreads. They are sweet, especially when he’s deep and he’s read the quarterback right. Doesn’t bite on the pump fake and instead vectors to cut in front of the true target right as the ball is released. Hair flowing in his wake. A leap, a pick and a wave of his locks as he lands. Damn, that man has hair. But it still can’t touch Mankins’ holdout.
5) Belichick’s Dossier on Rex Ryan. Last season’s Jets team smashed the Patriots in the mouth in week two, highlighting a number of the weaknesses that exposed the Patriots as their most fraudulent incarnation since 2002 interregnum squad. Since then, Belichick has been spending his spare time sending out spies to find out everything he needs to know about the Jets coach. Hard Knocks has been largely repetitive as a result. Despite Bill’s best efforts, Mankins’ hold out dwarfs the intel gathered on Gang Green’s Queso Grande.
4) The River of Bad Blood Between Belichck and Eric Mangini. Despite both saying the right things in the media, the open secret of Foxboro and Cleveland is that Belichick loathes his former protégé. Atonement and redemption are not expected any time soon. No matter how long the river is and how much it swerves and snakes, it cannot compare with Logan Mankins’ holdout.
3) The Roster of Fantasy Owners Burned by Drafting Laurence Maroney before the Sixth Round. Let us hope that at last the multi-headed back situation in Foxboro and the uninspiring track record of Maroney will shorten this tally in 2010. Still the list even dating back to Maroney’s rookie campaign in 2006 does not compare to Mankin’s intransigence.
2) Ron Borges Litany of Patriots Grievances. Normally one must wait for Festivus to air the grievances. Unless you are a sports columnist, in which case every deadline is a tiny little Festivus in advance of the real thing. Borges doesn’t limit his gripes to the Pats, he’s happy to bash the Red Sox and pretty much anything that Boston sports fans love. Even then, Mankins’ holdout remains longer.
1) Logan Mankins’ Beard. Truly striking in all of its mountain man lumberjack glory. Gander at it and marvel. The absorbency must be off the charts. I heard BP contacted Mankins to help with clean up in the gulf, but Mankins wasn’t interested in working for such paltry wages. This one comes closest, though sadly, not even the combined facial hair of ZZ Top band members at the height of their razor phobia can match the length of Mankins.
Joe Tetreault, a contritbutor to Foxboro Blog wears many hats in his work with the Bloguin Network. Most notably, Joe is the lead blogger at Tetreaultvision, where you can read the majority of his daily content.